


Yuri!!! on Crack

by Evening_Ego



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, M/M, One Shot, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23624770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evening_Ego/pseuds/Evening_Ego
Summary: From this prompt:Your father is forcing you to marry someone you have never met. The night before your wedding, you tie your sheets together and make your escape through the window. Half way down you make eye contact with someone doing the exact same thing a few windows over.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky, Phichit Chulanont/Lee Seung Gil
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50





	Yuri!!! on Crack

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings from quarantine! I suddenly find myself with more time on my hands, so I thought I would try to entertain others with a stupid one-shot based on a tumblr prompt (I think). If you were looking for something well thought-out and flawlessly crafted, you came to the wrong fic.
> 
> Special thanks once again to Carnivorous Fog, without whom this shit show would never have existed! (Seriously, this is based more on a text conversation we had than the prompt itself.)
> 
> Stay safe out there, everyone!

Once upon a time, in a faraway land known as St. Petersburg, a monarch worried for his son.

"Yuri, you’re almost sixteen! It’s about time you were married."

"Shut up, Viktor. You're not my real dad!"

"For the purpose of this fic, I'm the best you're gonna get!" Tsar Viktor shouted back, "I thought you’d never find a husband with an attitude like that! But luckily, I’ve managed to  ~~ trick ~~ persuade someone to have you! The wedding will be tomorrow morning!”

He left the prince alone to contemplate his fate, but Yuri was having none of it.

"I don't want to marry some idiot I've never met!" he whined, "Fuck this shit. I'm out."

And so the intrepid teen fashioned a rope from his leopard-print bedsheets and proceeded to repel his way out the window. It was there, suspended in the air halfway to the ground, that he noticed someone engaged in the same activity just two windows over.

“Hey! Are you running away from an arranged marriage, too?” Yuri shouted.

The stranger waved frantically for silence, and in the process, let go of his own bedsheet-rope. He dropped with a heavy thud to the ground, still several yards below them. Yuri quickly joined him. After determining that the stranger was not dead, and even better, had not landed on his handsome face, Yuri asked, “Hey, you’re not the guy I’m supposed to marry, are you?”

“Your name’s not Phichit, is it?” asked the stranger.

“No,” said Yuri.

“Then no.”

Yuri stared up at the walls of the man-who-was-not-his-father’s castle and observed, “It’s strange that you were living here without my knowing about it, and that somehow you were stuck in an arranged marriage, too.”

“If you think that’s strange, then you won’t believe this,” said the stranger. He was still laying on the ground at Yuri’s feet, but he pointed toward yet another window of the castle, where two figures were stealthily creeping down with the help of a bedsheet, as it’s done.

Yuri promptly waved them over, and the group of fugitives exchanged introductions. The man on the ground was called Otabek, and one of the two newcomers turned out to be Phichit, his fiance. He had also planned to run away, and in the process met up with Seung-gil, a prince from a neighboring kingdom.

“But what are you doing here?” Yuri asked Seung-gil.

“I’m the one who’s supposed to marry you,” Seung-gil replied.

“Wait, so are we all independently running away from our marriages?”

“Looks like it.”

Yuri looked at Otabek, who was still laying uselessly on the ground, and asked, “Should we all run away together?”

They would not get the chance. Viktor, far too familiar with his son’s shenanigans to be fooled, had posted extra patrols around the castle. The four would-be runaway brides were soon apprehended, and Yuri was separated - perhaps forever - from the handsome Otabek.

Or so he thought. His salvation came the following morning, when it was discovered that Tsar Viktor had eloped with the priest who had been hired to officiate the wedding. St. Petersburg was already alive with gossip about the glasses-wearing, dark-haired beauty who had stolen their king away.

The weddings - both of them - were cancelled. Since his father had abdicated to spend his life in leisure at the hot spring near his new husband’s home, Prince Yuri’s wedding became his coronation instead. He was set to rule over St. Petersburg in whatever manner he saw fit.

That is, until a new enemy presented itself in the form of Jean-Jaques Leroy, a rival king from a distant land who was determined to seduce Yuri’s kingdom out from under him.

Yuri would have been happy to reject Leroy on his own, but to his surprise, Otabek stepped in to stop him. He challenged King JJ to a duel with the traditional weapon of his home country…

Knife shoes. On ice.

It would be a fight to the death, and in this duel execution mattered in more ways than one. Otabek wouldn’t achieve an honorable kill if it wasn’t done with style.

It was a tough battle, but Otabek came through with his signature move - The Iron Lotus. He tossed JJ into the air, twirling around as JJ fell back to the ice, and severed his head from his shoulders. Otabek stood victorious on the bloody field of battle.

But King JJ, mere seconds from death, still managed to strike his infamous JJ Style pose as he fell. The judges were astounded. They awarded JJ enough posthumous style points to secure him the victory.

For losing the match to a corpse,Otabek had to face JJ’s second in the duel - the undefeated and strangely arousing Christoph.

He was known in his home county as Chris the Cassanova: Destroyer of Hearts, Butts, and Men. It was quite the title, and Otabek was properly terrified. He was exhausted after his battle with JJ, and knew he could not use the Iron Lotus a second time. He was powerless against Chris’s technique, as sexy as it was deadly. 

Otabek prepared himself for death, but then the unthinkable occurred. Tsar Yuri stood before him, blocking Chris’s assault while declaring himself to be Otabek’s second.

With the gleaming knife-shoes strapped to his feet, Yuri began to perform a provocative strip tease that flustered the Christoph. The Don Juan of Duels admitted defeat, though not because of Yuri’s superior moves, but because dueling a 15-year-old in this manner was creeping him out.

Yuri had won the duel, and therefore the right to select his own spouse. He decided that Otabek had been his all along.

Meanwhile, Phichit had returned to his hamster ranch, taking Seung-gil with him. One day he asked his companion what he thought happened to the friends they made back in St. Petersburg.

Seung-gil merely shrugged and continued to make shirts resembling rainbow feather dusters to sell on his Etsy page.

“I don’t know,” he said, “Probably something stupid.”

And he was right.

THE END


End file.
